Emotional Distress

11/28/07

I'm an emotionally deficient deviant
Unable to process normal human metal states
In a productive way
I'm always looking for the right words to say
To convey what's in my head
But my mind's dead
Most of the time
I walk a thin line
Between hate and a hollow existence
Always searching for a way out
Of my current situation
Avoiding the now
Stuck on the devil's exploitation

As I travel through hell's alleys
I find a valley
Hiding the reality of my experience
Fog covering the dilapidated roof tops
I stop
To take a peek

Twist the key and turn the knob
I drop
Down the abyss of my sub consciousness
Landing a top
Cushions of insanity
All nicely arranged
As if they were expecting me

I burrow through the rage
And try to gauge
How far I've fallen
Again
Climbing my way out of another mental crash
The routine is starting to become familiar

I burrow through the fear
And try to hear
For footsteps chasing me
Crawling towards the escape routes
I gotta get out
But my odds are looking dismal

Confessions of a dangerously Screwed up Mind

06/12/07

Insecure and jealous
So fake and too selfish

Unloving and cold
A poisonous mold

I'm a liar and I'm weak
I'm a user and a cheat

I can't be alone, I'm co-dependant
I'm a hollow bitch filled with resentment

I'm an illusion and a fake
An undedicated flake

I'm a coward and a crook
Always running from the truth

It's always about me
And my poor instability

It's about the sorrow I've felt
And the cards I've been dealt

I seek pity from others
And lie to my lovers

I need attention I can't give
I consume their souls so I can live

My shame is buried within
I only show what I want seen

A deceptive confidence
Blinding their senses

What I do best is pretend
Then always leave them in the end

It's all about me
There's no hiding this
It's all about me
Can you taste my fake kiss
It's all about me
You'd better run soon
Cuz it's all about me
A girl where love has no room

Healing

11/26/07

I'm sick of the line
That everything's gonna be fine
I just wanna be done
With my fucked up past life

I'm sick of trying
To grasp something I can't reach
I'm sick of dying
Everytime I dig deep

When will this be over
I just want this to be over
Can we just stop here
And not go any further?

When will I heal
Will I ever heal
When will I ever get to reveal
What my insides really feel

The secrets that slowly sear my soul
The secrets that I should have told
The secrets that haunt me as I get old
Because I chose to keep my mouth closed

I'm sick of remembering the same old thoughts
I'm sick of how my heart feels as it rots
And how I coulda had him caught
My failure puts my stomach in knots

The regret still follows me,
20 years later
It's continuously regurgitated
through my pen and my paper

Most of the time I just wanna give up
Throw my hands up and just yell "what the fuck!"
I'm still in the same place, nothing has changed
I still feel like I'm going insane

But something inside me pushes me on
A firey patch underneath the vast tundra
The hope that one day the pain will be gone
And I'll live a life w/out any wonder

Of what it could have been
Or what it could be
Instead there'll be serenity
Once I finally find me

Painful Goodbye

11/22/07

Hate's toxicity seeping into the marrow of my bones
There's no more clarity when we start to die alone
Numbness blankets the once beating heart
Easing the pain of its embedded scar
Slipping further away from prospects of salvation
Accepting there will be no reconciliation
Suffering Karma's balancing act
To late for you to ever retract
The fact you succumbed to the devil's persuasion
And you alone decided to bow to temptation
You stole Eve's innocence to fill your perversion
Now she constantly searches for a diversion
To escape betrayal's memory triggers
Each shot gets closer, each bullet goes deeper
Now here we are at hell's front door
Karma's way of evening the score
Your fate awaits on the other side of this gate
Once you enter, I hope my shell disintegrates
While hell's fire roasts through your eternal existence
My paranoia will ease from the loss of your presence
But my heart still bleeds when I think of the day
The man I knew, suddenly went away
No more sun to worship, no one left to trust
The image of my Guardian transforming into dust
I pray the alchemy of hate is love
So one day I shall rise above
The river of tears overflowing the levees
And wash away all of these painful memories